5.21.2017

lone·li·ness :/’lōnlēnəs/- sadness because one has no friends or company.

This definition needs slight tweaking because I do have friends. It needs to say “sadness because one has friends or company, but they are too busy for you and you are just their last resort.” That might seem a little dark, but that’s what loneliness means to me.

It seems this has become a constant companion of mine. Always lurking, waiting for the right moment to strike. When it strikes, it strikes hard and fast. Most of the time I can see it coming and can avoid it, but on days like today it’s been oozing into my system for awhile and I haven’t tried to fight it. You know sometimes you are just too tired to fight.

Now, you can tell me all day long that there are people who care. “Your parents! Your friends! You just said you have them!” The thing is, I understand they are there but are they really there? How could someone be around me all the time and not see the sadness in my eyes? How could you not sense the change of my demeanor so I don’t have to explain myself to anyone?

Answer: They are too wrapped up in their lives.

The thing is, that’s okay. I don’t want people to pay attention to only me. I don’t want their attention because they pity me. I am not to be pitted. I’m stronger for being here. I get stronger each day with the battle just to get out of bed. Until you felt this kind of feeling, you won’t understand and that’s okay. What isn’t okay is thinking you can just say a few nice words and everything is better. When people do that to me, it’s so much easier to pretend.

The happiest smile hides the deepest sadness.

Most people don’t understand how to help. The problem there is that I tell them how to help, but they don’t listen. They forget. They think if they tell me about how people have it worse than me so I shouldn’t be like this. Do you understand that makes me feel worse?

Answer: No they don’t think that.

No one truly cares. Everyone says they do, but there are few, if any, that will be there or try and help when you’ve reached the bottom. Shout-out to those people!

This isn’t some cry for help. This is just a honest opinion.

Give a little insight into myself.

Type ya later,

~Rayne Mason

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